The Disastrous Diary
by L.Q. Brooks
Summary: Surely you cannot stand such unpleasantries as a confusing code, a poofy pink sweater, a pound of salmon, grey makeup, a fedora, an annoying bell, and rope burn. But if you can, this is the story for you. You waiting for the exciting yet disastrous ending to the story? I'm waiting for you to say so...:-)
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Klaus, where are we?"

Violet's voice came out of nowhere, mostly because Klaus had gotten water all over his glasses, so he could not see nowhere at all. He looked around and questioned, "Violet, is that you?" Klaus could have sworn Violet snorted, but she only said, "Of course it's me! Where are we?" When the middle Baudelaire had cleared off his glasses for the fourth time, he could finally see where they were, but, of course, he could not recognize it. "I don't know, exactly. It's as if I had ameliorated my afterimage completely." Violet snorted again. "What does that mean? Ameliorated my afterimage?" Klaus smiled and said, "I've cleared my eyesight with all the water we've went through."

"Well, we wouldn't have had to go through getting water in our eyes if we had just kept our boat on the way he...Klaus, where's the boat?" The middle Baudelaire, who was the only one who remembered what happened. He got ready to talk but, instead, his older sister interrupted him. "And, where is Beatrice?" He looked around and choked back tears as he replied, "They're gone. Both of them. A large tidal wave crashed down on us, and we were separated from the baby and the boat. That's why we are soaked." Sunny shook her head and shed a small, bitter tear. Sunny was at an age where people speak in unintelligent shrieks.

"Trothal!" she shrieked, which most likely meant something like, "We broke our promise with Kit, and there's no way we can repay her." Only Violet and Klaus knew exactly what she was saying, for some odd reason. "And everyone else, everyone we ever knew, is now dead. Even now I can't help feeling sorry for Olaf's henchman," Violet stuttered, and it was true. Sir, Charles, Justice Strauss, Nero, Mr. Remora, Mrs. Bass, Hal, Jerome Squalor, Mr. Poe, Geraldine Julienne, Mrs. Morrow, the Quagmire triplets, Fiona, and all the rest of them were probably dead. Probably is not a favorite word of mine, but I have to use it sometimes just to make my stories as detailed as possible.

All of a sudden a loud bell rang over the orphans in the tower they were sitting on the dock right next to. "**Ring, ring**!" Violet looked at Klaus solemnly, still thinking about their dead loved ones. "Klaus, do you **think **that all **of **those people are really dead? It brings me **a** lot of stress and grief." The middle Baudelaire shrugged and said, "Truly, I don't think there was a **way** they could have a plan **to **escape the Denouement fire. I think it was the **end **of them. We can't help their deaths any more than we can **our **own parents. It gives me **grief **too. Also, **Sunny **must be heartbroken by all the stuff that has been going on."

"**Ring, ring**!" the bell ring ringed again. Sunny shrugged, for she didn't have a clue how to end the grief she and her siblings had carried on since that dreadful day on Briny Beach, when Mr. Poe came up to them and informed them that their parents and their home had been destroyed in a terrible fire. It seemed to be many years ago, but it was only one. Now that they had washed up on whatever shore they washed up on, they had no clue whatsoever what so ever to do. Should they leave? Should they just lie there, remembering their grief until they were to die? It seemed like the best choice. But soon, an object caught Klaus's eye. It was a diary.

Isadora Quagmire's diary.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Violet, look over there!"

The eldest Baudelaire turned her head and took a glance at the diary sitting on the dock. Sunny cocked her head and picked up the notebook. "Yennik!" she informed the others, and what the youngest Baudelaire was trying to say was, "Isadora's diary isn't the tiniest bit wet!" This was very confusing because the orphans were completely soaked, and the diary was not far from the ocean. In fact, the diary was barely on the outskirts of the beach where they laid. Actually, it was not the Briny Beach that they were at, but the Billow Beach. Klaus found that out while looking around earlier and thinking about all the dead loved ones.

World rules would not like anyone to look inside anyone's diary, but since it was Isadora Quagmire's diary, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny could not help themselves. This is what the final entry, about 45 pages into the journal, said: ___It may not be particularly wise, __but it's a thrill to be disguised. If you find me in Salmonella, you will find me in a fedora._ Violet looked confusingly at Klaus once more. He already knew what his older sister was thinking of saying. "A fedora is a soft felt hat with a curled brim, worn with the crown creased lengthwise." Sunny nodded until she looked at the very bottom of the page, where, again, were the initials J.S.

"Is almost everyone we know's name have the initials J.S.?" Klaus questioned Violet. "Justice Strauss, Jerome Squalor, Julio Sham, Jacques Snicket?" he counted. "Cronyism!" Sunny answered something along the lines of, "That does seem to be a reccuring pattern, doesn't it?" "No matter," Violet answered as well, "we know where Isadora is, and where Isadora is, Duncan and Quigley must be too." Klaus nodded and took another look at the couplets Isadora had written in her diary. She must have meant Cafe Salmonella, an awful place where they had learned about during their time with Esme and Jerome Squalor.

"Quiet! I hear someone coming!" Violet warned the others. "I hear footsteps, and who knows who it could be?" The footsteps continued getting louder until the Baudelaire orphans turned around and saw a seemingly sad clown, but the Baudelaire orphans knew his face anywhere. It was Larry, their waiter from their time with Aunt Josephine. This time he was wearing mittens with fishes on them, even though he was still wearing a clown costume, which made no sense at all. Klaus put Isadora's diary behind him so Larry would not be able to see it. He didn't know if Larry was good or bad, or if he could be trusted anyway. But when Larry held out a tuna fish sandwich, their thoughts melted.

"Here you go," Larry told them, and handed the tuna fish sandwich to Violet, in which she cut it into three slices. She tried to cut it into four for Isadora but had already put them together. She supposed, however, she could have cut the biggest piece into two, but she was feeling extremely hungry at the moment, so she didn't care. She chomped her third in two bites. Larry smiled, but she could have sworn it was a smirk. Klaus and Sunny, though, did not see any harm of being with Larry the clown tuna guy. The middle Baudelaire, remembering his manners, told Larry, "Thank you." Larry smirked once again and nodded. He then beckoned them to follow him.

To Cafe Salmonella.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Violet, do you see her?"

Larry and the Baudelaire orphans had just walked in to the fish themed restaurant with terrible food, but not one of Cafe Salmonella's customers had the courage to say so. I've tried their salmon myself, and it gave me the flu for three days, landed me in the hospital for a week, and no one went there again for a month. The dim witted people decided, after that month, they would go back to Salmonella, but no one knows why. But Klaus was obviously not worrying about the flu, or the hospital, or just plain the salmon, rather, finding Isadora Quagmire and, soon, finding Duncan and Quigley Quagmire, if, of course, she was even there.

Suddenly Sunny pointed to a table on the opposite side of the restaurant and screamed, "Owca!" which probably meant something along the lines of, "I see a fine sized girl wearing a fedora right were I am pointing!" Violet and Klaus looked and saw that their little sister was correct. Larry would have too, of course, but he got back to business, as he started working there after burning down...I mean, getting fired from the Anxious Clown. Anyway, when they sat down next to the girl Klaus thought and said, "Valuable Fedora Damsel," therefore introducing Isadora. Isadora slightly smiled and said, "Very Funny Dialogue," and they both recognized each other, Isadora bringing her head up from where it was.

The middle Quagmire put her arms around the middle Baudelaire, and she asked him in wonder, "Where have you been, Klaus?" Klaus widened his eyes and his in-working brow furrowed as Justice Strauss' seemed to do a lot. "What do you mean? You, of all people, know where we've been, but where have _you _been?" Isadora smiled and kissed him slightly on the nose. "I've been a lot of places, and I was one of the only ones able to escape the Great Unknown. The rest of them are..." she frowned for a moment, until she was interrupted by a lady who must have been forty-two, as Klaus had realized just by listening.

"Ugh, I hate my job. Hi, I'm Izzy Hermman, and I will be your waitress today. May I suggest the Salmon Pasta? Yes? Excellent. So that'll be three Salmon Pastas, $14.47. Thank you, goodbye!" the lady said before any of the orphans could open their mouths. Isadora, to Klaus, seemed much more in a romantic stage than she had at boarding school, Dark Street 667, or the Village of Foul Devotees, but, of course, Klaus did not mind that at all. But all of a sudden, his tongue started swelling up. He felt his cheeks and smelled Isadora's lips, and then touched his nose. "Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh? Bluh bluh bluh bluh bluh!" Klaus bluhed.

Only Violet understood what he was saying, which was very odd, because she never understood him before when he had an allergic reaction. "I think he means, 'Is that grey makeup made of peppermint mostly? We're allergic to peppermints!" Violet translated. Isadora clamped her hands over her mouth and gasped. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know!" Klaus, who was very forgiving, said, "Bluh bluh." Klaus' love interest smiled and smudged some of the grey makeup off of her lips. Also, without knowing what to do, just sat down, with a facial expression somewhere between a smile and a frown. But Klaus, knowing the consequence, still did it.

Kissed Isadora on the lips.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Lie down on that table, Klaus."

Isadora's soothing voice calmed the scholar's nerves, and, somewhat, his swollen tongue, but not very much the second one. Klaus took off his glasses and lay down on Cafe Salmonella's one of many filthy tables, following Isadora Quagmire's orders. She started taking a close look at his face, but out of a flash she bugged her eyes over the middle Baudelaire's shoulders and said, "Violet, Sunny, get down. We've got trouble." The Baudelaire orphans had no idea how their situation could get any worse, though. Now, not following orders, she looked where the poet was looking. There, standing right in front of them, was Carmelita Spats, wearing a big, fluffy, and pink coat.

The Baudelaires stared aghast and got down on the floor. All of a sudden, there was another ring from the bell. "What is **she **doing here?" Violet wondered. "Carmelita was supposed to be dead! But look, she **is **plenty alive! **A **treacherous act, it is indeed! Oh, Klaus, get off of that **filthy **table right this instant! She might see you! Also, that waitress dressed like a Halloween **witch **is coming**,** so we better get seated so **that **we can eat what I bet the lady **eats** all day long! Poor girl! But how can they feed that to **children**? **That Carmelita Spats is a horrid **(ring). Ahem. Pardon Violet Baudelaire's language. I'll talk to her about it.

Isadora, realizing Violet's code, forced Klaus to get off the table. Have you ever heard of Mr. Barack Obama? He is the forty-fourth president of the United States and, hopefully, will be the forty-fifth. Also, have you heard of Dr. Seuss' Horton Hatches An Egg? They mix together somehow. I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent. Of course, Obama, and/or Isadora Quagmire, and/or the Baudelaire orphans were not elephants, but seemed to live by that rule. Everything they said they would do, they did. Isadora Elizabeth Quagmire lived by that rule, like said earlier. Sadly, though, Carmelita Spats did too.

Carmelita Spats promised she would get revenge on the Baudelaires, and she was always proclaiming that she was different things. She was, according to her, an accommodating, basic, calm, darling, emblematic, frisky, grinning, human, innocent, jumping, kept, limited, meek, nap-loving, official, pretty, quarantined, recent, scheduled, tidy, understandable, victorious, wholesome, xylophone, young, zippered, C is for 'cute'. A is for 'adorable'. R is for 'ravishing'. M is for 'gorgeous'. E is for 'excellent'. L is for 'lovable'. I is for 'I'm the best!'. T is for 'talented'. And A is for 'A tap-dancing ballerina fairy princess veterinarian ball-playing cowboy superhero soldier pirate. Everyone hates that. Except Carmelita, of course.

The accommodating, basic, calm...whatever, turned over to the orphans right as Klaus was almost down. Carmelita showed all of her gross, but "M is for 'gorgeous'", teeth, and said, "Cakesniffers!" That was her way of saying, "I very much dislike you but I can't think of a good name so I just call you people who enjoy smelling pastry dishes." Good thing 'L' doesn't stand for 'brilliant'. That would be silly, but Carmelita did not do good in English class, because she very much disliked Mr. Remora. "Cakesniffers!" she said again, and all four orphans suddenly realized they were in worse conditions than they had every imagined.

Much worse conditions.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"I've found you orphans!"

Have you ever heard of the term, Salmonella? It is actually not a restaurant, rather, it is an infection with Salmonella bacteria. Most people infected with Salmonella develop diarrhea, fever, vomiting, and abdominal cramps 12 to 72 hours after infection. In most cases, the illness lasts four to seven days, and most people recover without treatment. However, in some cases the diarrhea may be so severe that the patient becomes dangerously dehydrated and must be taken to a hospital. Why do you think they call the terrible restaurant, "Cafe Salmonella?" I just hope that doesn't become a problem for you, and it won't if you never ever go to Salmonella, because that would only be possible.

The fact that Ms. Spats found them as orphans was strange. Wouldn't she call them, "Cakesniffers?" But Carmelita only sighed. "Esmé, I told you you have to call them 'Cakesniffers'. Have I taught you nothing?" "Ring, ring!" The orphans peered over the table just in time for Esmé to sigh as well, but she said nothing. Instead, Izzy walked up from behind and said, "Alright, **let's **see if I got this right. I only **find **it in my gut that you were the ones who asked for three Salmon Pastas? You didn't order take-**out**, did you? Oh, **what **in the world am I blabbering about now? That girl, **Carmelita Spats****, **is the one who ordered take-out. **Is **she the one who you are hiding from?

"Oh, my talking mode has gone **up **and out. I hope **to **see you enjoy your pastas." "Ring, ring." The orphans nodded, once again, understanding Sebald Code, and watched Izzy walk over to Carmelita and Esmé's table. "Were you the ones who ordered take-out?" she quizzed, winking at the Baudelaires and Isadora. Esmé nodded and said, "I hope you remember my dear Carmelita likes her food tender. I still have a harpoon gun that my _former _boyfriend got me. The waitress shrugged and said, "Yes, ma'am, I remember." All of a sudden Violet felt a cold hand resting on her shoulder, and she and Klaus swung around, wondering what in the world it could be.

"Hello, children. I understand you have no where to go, Veronica, Kyle, Shelia, and Isabella. So, why don't you come live with me?" Larry asked. The orphans did not care to point out that their names were Violet, Klaus, Sunny, and Isadora, probably because they were excited to have a new home, not like an island, or where they would have to dress as monkeys, or possibly, prisoners, doctors, freaks, Snow Scouts, scuba divers, or concierges, which is a funny word for, "attendant", which is a funny word for, "coadjutor," which is a funny word for, "aid" which, in this case, means, "helpers at a hotel that they later burnt down."

"Of course we'll come to live with you!" Veronica said. Kyle and Isabella nodded. Shelia said, "Lexlegis," which probably meant, "I too agree with my fellow friend and siblings, but my name is Sunny." Larry smirked once again, "Great! My shift is over, so I can take you right now! You shall see Izzy later on. We are married, if she hasn't told you yet." The orphans were jumping for joy. Joy, of course, was no where to be found, but the orphans did not care about Joy, whoever, and wherever, she happened to be. All they cared about was maybe they would finally have a decent, or decent enough, guardian.

They were wrong.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"This is my home!"

Some people will tell you that the phrase, "Home is where the heart is", means, "your true home is with the person or the place you love the most." I think differently. It doesn't matter where your heart is, as long as it is in your body and still beating. Contrariwise, the Baudelaires and Isadora cared very much where their heart was, but they had a sad feeling, way back in their hearts (which, by the way, at that time were still in their bodies, just so you know) that this home would not be where the heart is, as every other house they've went to found out to be exactly the same, or nearly so, as Larry and Izzy's' house, where everyone's heart would be when they were inside, would be too.

The Baudelaires walked into a big mansion, somewhat like Count Olaf's but more well put together. There was nothing wrong with the house, except the home where the hearts are would not be the house where the heart was, but where, soon, all seven hearts that resided in the Hermman household, would stop residing. But still, Sunny looked around the house having a half-hearted smile on her face, thinking about saying, "Cuarto," which would mean, "This house doesn't seem very bad, but the people who took us in seem real crazy." Klaus, as if reading her mind, said, "This house doesn't seem very bad, but the people who took us in seem real crazy."

The infant looked at a long, unstable rope coming out onto the ceiling. Wonderingly, she placed all four sharp teeth on the rope and yanked. There was a scream, and then someone pulled the rope farther up the wooden boards hanging over them. The children shrugged, as they had no idea what had just happened, but, still, it didn't seem that bad a place. At least they weren't stuck with Carmelita Spats and Esmé Squalor. Those times were the worst. But their time with Larry and Izzy were going to be even worse, so to say there would be a lot less hearts in the home than there is now. Larry, surprisingly, was walking behind them the whole time. "This is your room," he said, knocking on the fourth door down the hall on the first floor.

They walked into the room and noticed there were three comfy beds, and one comfy recliner, which means, "A rocking chair that is much more fluffy than normal." "The recliner is for whoever decides to sleep in it," Larry informed them. The children nodded and each took turns sitting in the rocking chair, each for about five seconds. "If you need any more, I will go into town and buy whatever you prefer. Just don't get too crazy, I only have so much money." Klaus, of course, wished for a library. "Well, I do wish for a library." The clown smiled and said, "We've got a library upstairs on every subject you can think of."

The middle Baudelaire decided he liked this place. Violet, though, wished for inventing tools. "I wish for inventing tools, but I don't want to sound greedy." Larry's expression darkened for a moment. "No, we don't have any inventing tools, sadly, they are all being used by my butler, Timothy. But you can ask him for a tool or two any time you like, just not when I'm out of the house. We don't want any of you children to get hurt. Now that we've all settled in, and you had dinner at Cafe Salmonella, it's getting pretty late, so please go to bed." With that, he closed the door. The orphans, now children, settled in as told, and went to sleep. They all fell asleep happy.

But they wouldn't wake up happy.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"Where is Isadora?"

Klaus was having a wonderful dream about the wonderful girl he almost forgot he was living in Larry Hermman's house. His dream went something like this: Back at Prufrock Preparatory School, Duncan was reading one of Isadora's couplets in her voice, which was sort of creepy, but sort of enhancing, for Klaus to watch. _Don't worry, Baudelaires, don't feel disgrace;the Quagmire triplets are on the case;It may not be particularly wise, but it's a thrill to be disguised._ For some odd reason, the middle Baudelaire felt as though he was watching Duncan Quagmire's words coming out of his mouth, as if words could actually be seen, and that the scholar would even care.

They weren't having a Very Fun Day that day, and, as he peered over at Violet in his dream, she told him, "I really wish Quigley Quagmire were here. He sounds very interesting," with hearts in her eyes. Hopefully, if they ever found Quigley, he could be Violet's First Date. Anyway, the dream cut to where they were thinking of a plan to fool Coach Genghis, or Count Olaf. Whichever. '"But what about Sunny?" Violet asked. "There's no way two people could disguise themselves as three people." The Quagmire triplet's faces fell. "If only Quigley were here," Duncan said. "I just know he'd be willing to dress up as a baby if it meant helping you."

"What about a bag of flour?" Isadora asked. "Sunny's only about as big as a bag of flour-nothing personal, Sunny." In the real time, Klaus had said nothing, but in his dream he said, "No, Sunny. Why must you make Isadora insult you so horribly? Gosh darn it, can't you be a normal baby just for once? With your four sharp teeth and you only talking in baby words, can't you just be normal for once?" And, to his horror, everyone laughed but the little infant, who started to cry. Klaus, in his dream, of course, glared down at Sunny, still laughing, with a smirk on his face like Larry did as well, but that was his own business.

"Dondekau!" Sunny shrieked, which probably meant something like, "Klaus, we asked you where Isadora is! Are you deaf?" The middle Baudelaire woke up with a start, because he didn't hear the first warning. He got up and held Sunny tight. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way I treated you." Violet widened her eyes and said, "Klaus, what are you doing? It's Isadora we should be worried about!" Klaus looked up from Sunny and looked at his older sister. "It's true," Izzy rebounded from behind, out in the doorway, where her voice echoed through the halls as if they were living in a bat cave and not an enormous mansion.

"We woke up to find her missing. I didn't hear anything while we were sleeping. I'm sure we would have heard the creaking of the floorboards, if not anything else. Where do you suppose she could be?" Violet continued. Klaus studied the floorboards. He soon noticed a small print in the dust, where more dust should be. It was the shape of both clown shoes, and a miraculously way down smaller, but fancier, shoes that someone might wear at a wedding, or church, or whatever else you can find them at. Before he had time to say anything, Larry walked in the room, frowning. "We can discuss this later. We have to go to work." He powdered the Baudelaire's faces before they could talk with makeup.

The grey makeup.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Here we are."

I'm sure, one time or eventually, you have been somewhere were you do not feel safe. For example, I have traveled to Africa, Southeast Asia and much of Central America...often as a solo female. I also work in NYC and often go through Harlem at night...all that being said, the ONLY place I have ever 1) felt physically threatened at an ATM machine and 2) witnessed a mugging was in central London. The Baudelaire orphans did not at all feel safe at Cafe Salmonella, and being with Larry, and having an allergic reaction aren't anything to go on when you don't feel safe at the place you are, place you will be, or anywhere in between. Doesn't matter.

Soon enough, the Baudelaire orphans found themselves in the kitchen of Cafe Salmonella. "Bluh!" Sunny said, which probably meant, "Fluca!" which probably meant, "I don't feel well around all these smelly fishes." Neither of her older siblings did, either. They thought they were about to catch...Salmonella. Remember what I said about Salmonella? Though _Salmonella_ infection is frequently the cause of osteomyelitis in sickle-cell anemia patients, it is not the most common cause. The most common cause of osteomyelitis remains _Staphylococcus_ infection, in case you were wondering, which I hope not.

Larry had ordered the orphans to chop the pound of raw salmon. Violet looked over at Klaus, Klaus looked over at Sunny, and Sunny looked at Violet and Klaus, then faked a batch of coughing. Violet and Klaus started coughing as well until Izzy walked up to them. "Oh, my, my, my. You must be catching Salmonella, which is an infection that is frequently the cause of osteomyelitis. We better take you home." The waitress winked at them again, and they knew Izzy was on their side, but, Larry, unfortunately, was not exactly on their side. In fact, they would find out more than one dreadful secret about their new guardian.

"Yes, of course. What was I thinking?" the clown said, appearing from behind his wife. "Well, we better take these two home. But, of course, you should drive them. I've got some important businesses to take care of." Izzy nodded and took the orphans to her jeep, where she quickly drove to her house as if it was right across the street-which, luckily, it was." Frizzy Izzy looked to them and said, "I can't stay. The keys are under the doormat." Violet nodded and opened the door. They stepped inside and said, "Now what?" in unison. When the inventor realized the others had no good ideas, she tied her hair up in a bow.

If you knew Violet Baudelaire, you would know that when she ties up her hair like that, she's thinking of an invention. She looked up at the old rope that still hung above them, and heard Timothy banging a hammer on top of the mansion. Then she looked over at Isadora's diary, and she thought about Billow Beach. Lastly, she thought about what Larry had said about, "Business to take care of." Suddenly Violet Baudelaire realized Larry's plan, and her invention, of what could save each of their lives, including the Quagmire triplets. The eldest Baudelaire looked down at her siblings and smiled, thinking how well her adventure would work.

Hopefully.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

"See here, Timothy."

Klaus tried to disguise his voice best he could to sound like Larry Herman, who he most certainly did not want to be, unless he were talking to the Herman butler. Timothy, while banging on the top of the mansion with his hammer, only continued with his working. Klaus cleared his voice really deep like grown-ups sometimes do, but the middle Baudelaire did not want to be a grown-up until he were considerably older. Obviously. No one prefers to become a grown-up. Sorry, parents, if you just happen to be reading this, but it's true. "See here, Timothy," the scholar said once again. "Sorry to interrupt your working, but you need to help with our plan."

He held his breath, hoping the butler wouldn't figure out _their _plan. He wasn't particularly sure what _their _plan was, but Violet just told him to get the rope and hammer from Timothy, whatever it came to. Disguising his voice as Larry was the first thing that came to his mind and, like all first things that come to his mind, it was absolutely brilliant. Most of the time, that is incorrect, but for Klaus, it was true. "Yes, master. What is it?" Tim finally replied. Klaus remembered what Violet had told him. "We need the rope and your hammer that you are using so we can...do away with those bratty orphans." He shrugged at his sisters.

Timothy, of course, was dim-witted, as dim-witted butlers seem to be half of the time. Contrary to what the Baudelaires thought would happen, the butler dropped his hammer down the hole in the ceiling, narrowly missing Violet's toe. And then he let go of the rope he was hanging on to, and it fell like a snake around Sunny's neck, just tight enough that it wouldn't choke her, but that she wouldn't lose it. "Thank you, Timothy," Violet, who pretended to be Izzy, told him. But Tim only coughed, as Mr. Poe did most of the time that he was alive. And then, the poor butler quizzed, "Now, how exactly am _I _to get down?" But the orphans were already at work.

Violet, carrying the hammer, Klaus, carrying Isadora's diary, and Sunny, carrying the rigid rope, walked into their room, and the two younger Baudelaires looked at Violet, expectantly. "Now, I'm going to break through somewhere high on the wall, and Klaus and I will throw the rope through the hole, and we will get out. Klaus once told me that Billow Beach has a stream flowing down that leads to Cornelius Cavern. I have a hunch that is where Larry has the Quagmire triplets. Larry must be at work, because he is always so cautious about it, so if we can send the diary down and if we get it back, we'll go down the Soaring Stream and find the Quagmires."

"But what if your hunch isn't correct?" Klaus asked her. Instead, Violet got to work. She stepped on her toes and made a hole just high enough. Klaus and Violet sent the rope up, but it came down. They tried again, but it came down again. "Ganco!" Sunny shrieked, which probably meant, "Let me help!" With the strength of all the orphans, they were able to hook the rope up. Sunny grabbed the diary in her teeth, and they started climbing. It hurt, because of rope burn that old ropes happen to give, but they got up and over. Now all they had to do was find Billow Beach, and then they could find Soaring Stream, and then Cornelius Cavern, and then the Quagmire triplets.

If they were there.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

"Here we are, guys!"

"Fireflies" is a song and the debut single from Owl City album Ocean Eyes. Relient K vocalist Matt Thiessen is featured as a guest vocalist in the song. Adam Young described the song as "a little song about bugs and not being able to fall asleep at night." Do you like looking for fireflies when you are out camping? Most of the time it is very hard to find fireflies, especially in the daytime, but it was not very hard to see them around Billow Beach in the morning. The chorus goes somewhat of, "I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly. It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep because everything is never as it seems." Whatever that means.

I just supposed I would bring up the fireflies because I am staring in wonder right now at them, although I am also coughing through smoke. I mean, uh, the Billow Beach is still a very beautiful place, and I will tell you with utter seriousness that is has not burned down. You could go check if you wanted to, just to look at the fireflies gleaming, even in the daytime. Also, if you wanted to look at and investigate the case of the Baudelaire orphans, be my solemn guest. Just don't say I didn't warn you if you sit under your bed sucking your thumb by the end of this story. It is never too late to stop reading, and believe a different ending to this dreadful story.

You can imagine that the Baudelaire and Quagmire orphans lived a wonderful life with Izzy Herman, and Larry was defeated once and for all. But, I'm sorry to say, the long end of this long book begins with the Baudelaire orphans saying, "Hey, look!" "Hey, look!" the Baudelaire orphans said. They had sent off the diary and it came back in under thirty seconds. So they traveled down the stream and soon, out of a stroke of luck, found Duncan, Quigley, and Isadora in the cavern where Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire had presumed they would be. There was something rather odd about Isadora, though. She was strapped to a chair with duct tape over her mouth.

**STOP!** Please, I beg of you. You do not want to read the dreadful ending to this dreadful story that I have been forced to write down for nobody's amusement but for Lemony Snicket's, who entrusted the story of the lives of the Baudelaire orphans into my hands. I honestly wish he didn't. I could be cuddled up in my bed, where you just definitely be, instead of reading this story. I'm sorry to say this is your last warning, because the most grief of the story begins in the next three words. "Hello, hello, hello," Larry, the clown fish waiter guy, said, seeming to be coming out of the light of the fireflies. He grinned down at Duncan and pulled out a dagger.

"You're not going to hurt him, Herman! You and Olaf have done enough treachery to last any of us a lifetime. This ends now," Violet warned him, sounding much more brave than she actually was. "Oh, I wasn't going to stab him or anything. I was going to give it to him. But, if you insist, I will give it to Quigley instead." Like he promised, he gave it to Quigley, but the youngest Quagmire did nothing but stare down at the large knife, looking at his reflection, thinking of what he would do next. Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Duncan, and Isadora, especially, looked at him in grief. For a moment, it looked as though he would swing it at Larry.

Instead, he swung it around at Violet.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

"Why, Quigley?"

Violet just had enough time to scream as the dagger barely slit her throat. Just barely. Klaus yelled, "What are you thinking, Quigley?" But Sunny, looking up at Quigley's eyes confusingly, noticed that they were pink instead of brown. She remembered how Klaus' eyes looked when he had been hypnotized by Dr. Orwell, and understood immediately. "Blair!" she shrieked, which probably meant, "Larry must have hypnotized Quigley without us knowing earlier on to destroy us!" The Baudelaire orphans understood what Sunny was saying, though the Quagmire triplets had no idea what she was saying, only that they had witnessed it happening.

"Quigley, snap out of it!" Violet screamed as the youngest Quagmire took another swing at this one's love interest. Larry only stood there, smiling, as Isadora and Duncan watched, their hands tied. Not literally, of course, their hands are very much free, but I only mean they had no power against the anxious clown named Larry Herman. Finally Klaus caught it with one hand as it was about to stab his older sister in the chest. While struggling with the hypnotized Quagmire, he asked, "Why did you do this, Larry? You were such a kind person when we met!" Larry smiled a wicked smile, showing all of his very filthy teeth.

"I was a never a kind person. I worked with Count Olaf before you idiots were born. But, so no one expects anything, and so that no one ever hears another word out of you brats..." He whistled and two buff men came to his side. "Moose, Bull, take these ones to Salmonella. I'll be following close behind, just don't let them out of your sight." He quickly unhypnotized Quigley and had Moose carry him and Duncan. Bull carried Isadora and Violet, and Larry carried Klaus and Sunny. They went up the stream, across the street, and into Cafe Salmonella. Moose and Bull threw their prisoners into a freezer and got outside, but Izzy came in before Larry could get out. He set a match and threw it out before she could block the way.

It is never a good time to be in a room with a very wicked villain, but it is worse when you do not know, or do not want to know, how to defeat that villain which is described. I can suddenly realize why Adam Young is an insomniac. Do you know what that means? It is being in the state of insomnia, which is an individual's reported sleeping difficulties. "Insomnia" is derived from the Latin word "Some cases of insomnia are not really insomnia in the traditional sense.", the name of the Roman god of sleep, with the incorporation of the prefix "in-" to add contradiction. Some cases of insomnia are not really insomnia in the traditional sense. Which is the kind of thing I wish I didn't know.

"Larry, honey, where have you been? I thought you said you were staying at work today! Why didn't you tell me you were running off? Seven Salmon Pastas are waiting, and you, our best cook, has not been here for half an hour! What are you, crazy? Don't you know it's lunch hour? Why did you bring the Baudelaire children back? And I recognize Isadora, but who are the others?" Izzy blurted out, but her eyes bugged as she heard a clanking noise. Larry bugged his eyes as well when he heard the sound too. The Quagmire triplets, and the Baudelaire children, bugged their eyes and, also, screamed as they heard the terrible noise.

They had been locked in the freezer.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

"Help!"

Aid may be given by gangs, private organizations, or governments. Standards delimiting exactly the kinds of transfers that count as aid vary. For example, aid figures may or may not include transfers for military use: to cite one instance, the United States included military assistance in its aid figure until 1957 but no longer does. But for any of the Baudelaire, Quagmire, or Herman families, it seemed to be, once again, done and over with for good. Sunny might have been able to stop their grief, but they didn't mean it in this matter. They would be destroyed by a fire once again if they could not find a way out of the freezer, and Cafe Salmonella.

Optimism, a certain kind of aid that almost never helps, is a mental attitude or world view that interprets situations and events as being best, meaning that in some way for factors that may not be fully comprehended, the present moment is in an optimum state. The concept is typically extended to include the attitude of hope for future conditions unfolding as optimal as well. The more broad concept of optimism is the understanding that all of nature, past, present and future, operates by laws of optimization along the lines of Hamilton's principle of optimization in the realm of physics. You can probably see how it doesn't work.

Phil, another person from the Baudelaire children's past, worked at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill during their stay, where Klaus got hypnotized by Doctor Georgina Orwell, and was one of the friendlier mill workers, and helped the Baudelaires adjust to their new home. During the Baudelaires' stay at the Lumbermill Phil was injured by a mill machine, operated by Klaus (who was hypnotized at the time). On the bright side, Phil was an eternally optimistic character and was not upset about the accident, saying such things as "at least no one would ask whether I'm right legged or left legged". Just by saying that, you can see how optimism almost never works.

Yelling help may be a helpful strategy, if there were anyone anywhere to help them. Unfortunately, noticing the fire, all of the workers at Cafe Salmonella had evacuated the restaurant. The prisoners, Izzy, Larry, Violet, Klaus, Sunny, Duncan, Isadora, and Quigley, however, had no choice but to die in the Salmonella fire. "Help!" the children screamed again, but they knew at the bottom of their hearts that they had screamed for help too late. There was no one who could save them now. The children cried, as most people do when they are sad or confused. But crying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.

Klaus, though, thought of something that could get them somewhere. He said, very proud, "The water molecules move into a state of "equilibrium" where the heat is transferred from one molecule to another until all of the molecules have a constant and even temperature through-out the water mixture. In general the hot water cools down and the cold water heats up until they are both the same temperature. The freezing temperature will melt soon enough, and when it does, we will be able to unlock the door and escape." Violet smiled. Sunny smiled four teeth, Isadora smiled behind the duct tape, Duncan smiled, Izzy smiled, Quigley smiled, and Larry smirked.

They had a plan.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

"What're you doing?"

Larry sneered, and pointed a bony finger, like Count Olaf, at the Baudelaire orphans, which made all six kids shudder, for they all knew about Olaf's treacheries, and they hoped that, once Count Olaf had been murdered, their lives would go back to normal. But, of course, there was no way of doing that. Their parents were long gone, as was many of their distant family members, and there was, other than the Quagmire triplets and perhaps Izzy, who cared about them still alive. Actually, maybe we can't even count Izzy in. Remember, she betrayed the Baudelaires and Quagmires, by not telling them that she was married to this evil man.

"You know what we're doing, Herman," Violet said, sounding more brave than she actually was. Klaus continued for her. "You know our plan, and even though we very much despise you," he breathed out slowly, but he couldn't continue. Sunny continued for him. "Aid!" Sunny shrieked, which probably meant, "We're going to help you out to try again with your life," and all the orphans nodded in agreement. Duncan looked at the door and observed, "The ice is melting pretty fast. Let me try the door." He walked past Violet, and slightly bumped into Klaus, where he jiggled with the doorknob. The freezer was still a little bit jammed.

Izzy put one hand on Violet's shoulder, the other on Klaus', and Sunny merely stood in front of her. "It's brave, what you're trying to do, but I'm afraid...I must decline. I'm an awful person, Baudelaires. Quagmires. You have to trust me on this; Larry might not admit his evil deeds, but I don't care. I'm terribly sorry Baudelaires, but what good does it do letting villains live? Isn't the moral of every story that the villains are defeated in the end? Trust me, little ones." Here she smiled at Sunny and the Quagmires close behind. "It's only fair that you leave me here, as wicked people should. I know of V.F.D., kids. Larry and I were part of it. Even the farthest apart can join in a single grasp."

Violet immediately declined. "No way! Why would we do that? All the noble people in our lives have died and betrayed us. We shouldn't join the list, and neither should you." That's when they heard Quigley throw a fit of coughs from all the smoke that was forming in the freezer. Duncan tried the door again, and it was more loose, but it still wouldn't open. Izzy shook her head. "No, no, no. I betrayed you, and you know that. I already have, and it's too late to change that, I'm afraid. Go, and leave me here to bathe in my ashes. You deserve a better, longer life than this. And if I know you..." she grinned again, "...you'll make the right choice in the end."

"It opened!" Duncan said with glee. The orphans looked around and saw that the eldest Quagmire spoke the truth. The freezer was wide open. Quigley was turning blue, still coughing. Isadora squealed an unearthly sound and said, "Let them burn to a crisp if they want to, but I'm not letting you guys go...not again." The Baudelaires nodded and ran out the freezer. The red, orange, and even purple flames were heading towards the freezer along the walls. Klaus gave one last smile to Izzy, and they jumped out the nearest window. In seconds, Cafe Salmonella had completely burnt to the ground. Cafe Salmonella was gone. Izzy was gone too. The children were all alone.

And the Baudelaire and Quagmire children were orphans once again.


End file.
